CITY HALL SKETCH : The Comma Is Mightier Than The Camera

Diagnosis : Colonic Irritation

Hermosa Beach's Civil Service Board sounds like a sleepy formality, but yesterday’s meeting delivered a masterclass in bureaucratic theater. What began as a routine review of job descriptions quickly morphed into an hour-long meditation on grammar, semantics, and the metaphysics of municipal HR.

First came the welcome for HR Manager Tiffany Nguyen - 18 years of experience, multiple agencies, actual expertise. The Board responded by immediately discussing bathroom habits. More specifically, freeway restroom options. Board member Bob Wolfe enthusiastically recommended the private comfort of luxury car dealerships because “you get better things to eat.”  Apparently he had even contemplated the creation of an app to rate his restroom recommendations. Tiffany took this in her stride - a promising sign, since she’s now responsible for shepherding job specs past this panel. While The Wolfe Of Stall Street explained his idea, HR Tiffany pushed on, unphased by an old man's toilet habits.

Then the Board got to its true passion: editing.

One member triumphantly pounced on an errant punctuation mark:

“I have a small typo just to show that I read it.”

Momentarily distracted from restroom donuts, Bathroom Bob then warned that “judgment” had been spelled with a dubious “E,” a mistake so serious it represented an existential threat to Hermosa's future. Tiffany maintained a polite, perfectly HR-calibrated smile - though the slight clench suggested she was mentally rewriting her life choices in real time.

Public comment consisted of the Chair calling out, “Mr. Publick?” and then answering himself with, “I guess not.” It was perhaps the most efficient exchange of the day.

But the real intellectual battle came over the word citizens. The proposed swap to “community members” sparked a full-on jurisprudential brawl. One member argued, “It’s more inclusive.” Another insisted, “Some lawyer might consider major what you consider minor.” A third countered, “I actually disagree. I don’t think it’s substantive.”

For a moment, it looked like they might convene a constitutional convention.

Wolfe still appeared to be dreaming of the app-driven fame and fortune that his AirPee&B idea might unlock. DoorSplash ? Google Craps ? Colon (and semi-colon) issues all round, it would seem.

This was followed by a separate doctrinal debate over whether a job description should include the words “This position requires” - a conversation so intricate it began looping in on itself. Members sparred over requirements, typical ways, atypical ways, whether requirements could be not-requirements, and what the italicized paragraph really meant “in spirit.”

Hearing Chairman Douglas Collins proudly declare that he’d been “in government since 1968,”  Tiffany momentarily envisioned her own future - hovering above a council chamber in 2082, still answering questions about punctuation from autonomous cybernetic drones.

At one point, someone tried to return to commas, which is how you know things were getting dire.

And then, with exquisite comedic timing, Councilmember Dean Francois appeared in the room, attempting to set up the room for his 6 p.m. community forum. TV news crews gathered behind him, cameras poised, cables everywhere. Democracy was literally waiting in the lobby.

But the Board had unfinished business with colons.

Chair Collins snapped toward the commotion:

“Close the door, you’re making too goddamn much noise!”

The room fell silent. The cameras blinked. The grammarians prevailed.

With the door shut and the media exiled, the Board returned to its sacred duty: deciding whether “requires” should be struck. Ultimately, they voted yes - ensuring the city can hire either a seasoned municipal risk expert or, theoretically, someone who merely feels qualified, depending on how the italics are interpreted.

Finally, as the clock ticked toward 6 p.m. and FOX 11 news rattled their equipment impatiently outside, the Board adjourned.

The camera may capture the moment, but in Hermosa Beach, the comma still wins the war.

Tune in next time when the Civil Service Board confronts a truly existential crisis: whether “and/or” should be banned from the English language.